Signs…Faith…Hope

Just to make me feel better, I watch the video above. Yes, it’s silly and very hopeless of me. But I find it really sweet. Online is the last thing I would want to find love. It always feels right when you meet that special someone unexpectedly, on the street, in person. That someone will find you the way you are, not how they perceive you in messages or pictures.

There may be successful love stories that began through dating websites but those are, I believe, pure luck. I still have faith that I will find or my soul mate will find me very soon; that I will be the most inspired girl on earth.

Actually, right now, all I want to happen is for this feeling to go away. If only I can undo things or unlove people in a snap, things will be better. But no. That only happens in movies. Love does not disappear as fast as you fell in love. It always takes time.

I hope the pain I feel is much faster to go away.

I prayed this morning and gave my thanks to God for a bright day. There are so many things to be thankful for but I choked. I just want this to be over soon.

Walter is my virtual boss. He owes months of salary. I am not sure when he would settle everything. My sister told me to contact him and asked when the next payment would be but I don’t have the nerve to initiate the conversation. I am not sure if he still wants to hear from me. It is just obvious that he is no longer interested in my life. And I feel like the only way to get his attention is to send him nude pictures.

If he can settle all the payments, it would probably be easier for me to just disappear. I need to fund my recovery in a way. Perhaps start over with a little something. It sounds like I am planning to run away. Yes, that’s probably what this looks like. This is the only thing I know.

I don’t know what to do.

Everything is Quiet

I like it this way. Even if my plans seem doomed to fail, I trust that everything would work out fine in the end. To give you a peel into my present, I am broke (my boss has not yet paid me in five months and I am living off what I saved), there’s a road trip in a week that I badly want to join, and there are debts that I need to pay.

I need money

I need time

I need love

Every morning, I wake up and express my gratefulness. I tell myself over and over that I am blessed because I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family that never leaves me and never lets me go, I have a job (even if I am yet to get paid), I have awesome friends, I am not sick, I don’t get hungry, and I still can see the beauty in the world.

And then I pray to God to make this day be a good day. By that I mean, nothing bad happening. And then I pray for my heart to be still and calm. I mean, not hurting. And then I ask God for what my heart wants. I want all my money problems to go away of course. He will help me. He has always been there to help me with all my money problems. Could you imagine where I get the money despite ot being paid for almost half a year? I don’t have a million savings to get through five months, knowing I have bills to settle. The only reason is God helping me out.

Wth heart problems, I think I might just be creating them. To think is very tiring. I try not to think about the romance side of it all and consider the fact that there are more important and bigger problems to pay attention to.

But everything is pretty quiet right now. I like it this way. My emotions are pretty stable though I still get that thick matter in my stomach every time I think of Walter. But I am okay. Maybe, soon enough, I will forget about everything and get used to this. Not hearing from him in days generates all possible scenarios that I could not stand repeating. But I guess, this is really how it goes.

If it is meant to be, it will happen.

Everything happens for a reason.

There are several mantras one could repeat in her head to give you even the slightest peace of mind. It’s working for me in a way. So if you are going through something, have faith. Everything IS okay. Have faith.

Are You Forcing Yourself to Someone?

Constantly calling or texting or even make your presence felt in whatever way is just a few signs that you may be forcing yourself to someone who simply does not care. Well, romantically speaking. Indifferent people will never notice you no matter what you do.

I am guilty of this. Was. In my previous relationships, although I wan’t aware of my behavior before, I tend to force someone to love me or notice me. I have written bogus letters in high school out of desperation. I got issues, I know. I just did not want to admit it. Whenever I felt like someone is losing interest in me or developing more interest in someone else, I come with a realistic plot as a way to get his attention. It’s an ugly thing to do. But I was young then with lots of insecurities.

Because of what I did, I drove them further away rather than keep them closer. I didn’t have much self-respect when I fall in love. I lose myself in other words. I didn’t care about how loud my weakness screamed, I just want to have that person back.

With my first boyfriend, I almost fell on my knees and beg for him to come back to me. He was a married man and I was too damn crazy to think I could win that battle. I cried in front of him and told him I loved him so much. Missing self-espect, yes? With the gay man, Harry, I lied about a text message I received. I told him an anonymus number texted me telling me to leave him alone. There was no text message. I didn’t get him back. Desprate. Red flag.

I am much older now. And everytime I think about the things I did, I squirm and want to vomit. Those are some of the nastiest thing a desperate girl would do to get a man’s attention. So, men, be careful. The thought of doing it alone already makes me feel ashamed of myself. So, I made a promise once I got back to my senses (after my heart got broken by Harry), that I will never ever do such things again. I will never ever force myself to someone who does not want me. I will love and respect myself more enough to walk away from relationships where I don’t have value.

I miss Walter so much. To think I haven’t met him in person yet. He’s not messaging me on Skype and I really feel like he is avoiding me even if he always says that’s not happening. I am not stupid. But I won’t force myself to him. Nothing has to be forced if it is meant to be.

In my head, I already have him. He already is my soul mate and I believe it but I have to be realistic still. I am not going to get hurt and I deserve better. We all deserve better.